The White Hand Bible
by Yeza Nairomof
Summary: A very blasphemous version of the bible, please do not crucify me or burn me at the stake for what is written in it, thank you. Joint Project by zeta29 and I. Also contains stuff for future stories. If you can think of more ideas, just pm me and I can discuss with my brother.
1. Title

**The White Hand Bible**

By some unnamed historian traveller thingy guy

**WARNING**

This is a warning to all owners and anybody within a 50 meter radius of The White Hand Bible, because it is known that if The White Hand Bible, is for ANY reason dropped onto the floor, one person within the 50 meter radius, which is also chosen at random, shall combust in flames in the shape of The White Hand. **YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED**

**PREFACE**

Firstly in this book, I shall describe the power of The White Hand.

The effects of The White Hand when struck are so devastating that when it lands, cities within a 100km radius will crumble, the seas will split open, and enormous tsunamis shall sink continents, a prime example would be The Lost City of Atlantis.


	2. Contents

_**Contents**_

**The Old Testament**

**-Genisis**

-The Story of Creation

-The Flood

-The Destruction of Sodem and Gomrrah

**-Exodus**

-Aaron's walking stick

-Disasters Strike Ejypt

-Crossing the Red Sea

**The New Testament**

**-Mathew, Mark, Luke, and John**

-The Baptism of Jesus

-Jesus walks on Water

-Crucifixion and Revival

**The Modern History Testament**

**-Unknown**

-Alexander III _or_ Macedon (Alexander the Great)

-Julius Caesar

-Battle of Bun'ei and Battle of Kōan

-Joan of Ark

**The Dark Legends Testament**

**-Genisis**

**-Eclipse**

**-Dark Legends**

**The Erinn Testament**

**-Mabinogi**

-Chapter One

-Chapter Two

-Chapter Three

-Chapter Eight

-Chapter Nine

-Chapter Ten

-Chapter Eleven

-Chapter Twelve


	3. The Old Testament

**The Old Testament**

**GENESIS**

**Introduction**

The name Genesis means "origin" is the Chapter where The White Hand kicked ass and took names.

**The Story of Creation (1:1-2:5)**

In the beginning, there was God, and his evil twin sibling The White Hand, on the First Day, there was sparks between the clash of God and The White Hand, it was known as Light.

On the Second Day, God bled, and his blood fell, and turned into water, which divided the sea and the sky.

On the Third Day, The White Hand, castrated God, and threw his "THING" into the sea, and it turn into Land, and thus was the Origin of "PENISLAND", and the pubic hair turned into the plants of Fruit and Vegetation.

On the Fourth Day, the battle raged on, God sent a ferocious punch which caused sparks, and created the Sun, and The White Hand Retaliated with a ferocious punch of the same level, which created the Moon, the remaining punches were not as strong, and created the stars.

On the Fifth Day, The White Hand kicked God in the Groin, which caused God to ejaculate, the "Semen" landed in the water and thus turned into "Great Sea Monsters" (quoted exactly from the Holy Bible), but God did not Fall, his rise caused half the Great Sea Monsters to fly in the sky which turned into birds.

On the Sixth Day, The White Hand Punched God onto the land, which God landed on his face, he got so mad that his nostrils flared and the dust that was blown up created beats and wild animals, and before God could get up, The White Hand kicked God back down by the head, and caused God to lose two buck tooth, and thus the tooth became man and women.

And on the Seventh Day, God died of exhaustion and The White Hand fell into a Great slumber, and thus the seventh day was known as the day of rest.

**The Flood (7:1-24)**

In actual fact, the Great flood was not caused by God, but instead was created by The White Hand's furry upon the residents of the town that Noah had lived in, which they were pissing The White Hand off. The warning that Noah received was actually from The White Hand, reason being that they were friends.

**The Destruction of Sodem and Gomorrah (19:23-30)**

The reason why Sodem and Gomorrah went up in flames was because everyone in that town decided to disgrace The White Hand Bible by dropping them all at once, and in the Bible Lot's Wife turned into a pillar of salt after seeing it was because the White Hand flame was too Awesome for her mind to handle and she literally exploded, the reason why they used salt in the bible was because Lot was actually a salt merchant.

**EXODUS**

**Introduction**

The name Exodus means "departure" which was used because it was how the Israelites escaped the Egyptians.

To be more technical I would rather call this chapter "The Remodelling" because most of the effects were caused by The White Hand trying to remodel some Pyramids into the shape of the White Hand.

**Aaron's Walking-Stick (7:8-13)**

The walking stick that turned into a snake was in fact, a snake which stiffened up when The White Hand smashed his hand on a Pyramid, it has snapped out of it when it landed on the floor but re-stiffened up after it sensed another impact on a Pyramid by The White Hand.

**Disasters Strike Egypt (7:14-10:29)**

To make this simple the blood water was caused by the death of the fishes, the frogs and gnats were scared out and killed by vibrations, the flies were attracted to the blood, the animals died of the flies, the boils, hail and the Locusts were natural disaster that arrived at the right times, the Darkness was just an eclipse, and the death of the first born was just a widespread disease.

These were mostly affected by The White Hands Remodelling project

**Crossing the Red Sea (14:1-31)**

According to the Legends, the Lord split the red sea to let the Israelites escape from the Egyptians, but in actual fact, the sea split when The White Hand used his special technique on an unmovable Pyramid, which shattered upon impact, and the sea itself split because of the aftershock of the technique.


	4. The New Testament

**The New Testament**

**MATTHEW, MARK, LUKE and JOHN**

**Introduction**

According to the four disciples of Jesus, Jesus was the son of God, but in fact, Jesus was not the son of God, but the remaining will of God that wasn't destroyed by The White Hand

**The Baptism of Jesus (Mat 3:13-17) (Mark 1: 9-11) (Luke 3:21-22)**

By Fact Jesus was not baptised by John the Baptist, but instead he was nearly drowned by The White Hand, and as he freed himself from The White Hand's grip, The White Hand had already escaped and left a random person named John as a scapegoat.

**Jesus Walks on Water (Mat 14:22-33) (Mark 6:45-52) (Luke 6:16-21)**

In the books of Matthew, Mark and Luke, Jesus walked on water because he is the son of God, according to facts and the interrogation of the surviving disciples, the reason why Jesus was walking on water was because he was actually fighting against The White Hand, who was at that time, under the water, due to the shear awesomeness of the fight, which could not be described in words, the disciples decided to make it simple, and made it that Jesus walked on the water because the majority of the time he was above water, and the reason for this act was as revenge against The White Hand.


	5. Modern History Testament

**The Modern History Testament**

**Unknown**

**Introduction**

The books of the Modern History Testament, which was written by an unknown historian are about the deeds of The White Hand in history and were not noted down in the Bible.

**Alexander III of Macedon (Alexander the Great) (323BC)**

It is said that Alexander the Great and his army met their end, 5 seconds after challenging The White Hand, in which The White Hand in response replied "NANJAKOLYA" whilst sending a furious palm upon them.

**Julius Caesar (44BC)**

Dictator Julius Caesar met his end to The White Hand. During the idles of march, in his assassination attempt, he was proven to be too invincible because he had the body of the God Emperor, daggers just bounced off his body like toys, and punches deflect like _something_. The White Hand was also in the idles of march, waiting for an appointment to join sides with the romans, until he witnessed the attempt of "assassination", The White Hand casually walked up, brushed the assassins aside and said "This is how its done", as he strikes down Julius Caesar, crushing the Godly figure like a tonne of bricks against a cake, only to find out that the said person was actually Julius Caesar.

**Battle of Bun'ei (1274AD) and Battle of Kōan (1281AD)**

The Japanese believed the "Kamikaze" had protected them from the Mongolian Invasions, but in fact it was a sneeze produced by The White Hand during His slumber, and by fact before the second "Kamikaze" appeared, the Mongolian were talking about The White Hand, the conversation is as follows: (Mongolian Soldier says "Sir, what if The White Hand appears again", to which the Mongolian Commander replied "There is no such thing as The White Hand", to which The White Hand sneezed, which resulted in the creation of the Kamikaze in the Battle of Kōan in 1281).  
(In fact the Mongolian army still landed and invaded Japan, but they had to retreat as to the following quote made by a soldier during the retreat "The Japanese are easy to fight, but their Gods are a pain in the neck")

**Joan of Ark (1431AD)**

By fact, Joan of Ark did not get burned at the stake, the truth was that she was 50 meters in front of someone who dropped The White Hand Bible, and the English just said they burned her to raise their own reputation (In fact they couldn't set her on fire).


End file.
